Monday, October 31, 2011

Rookie Pastor - FAIL.!

Recently, the pastoral trainees at Lancaster were joking with the session about implementing a new
church app that would allow the congregants to critique the service and performance of the young guys w/ texts and tweets.  This was too good to pass up without some humor.  Here's my list of the top postings with colorful commentary:

- Spring forward/fall back - starting the service on time # FAIL.!
- Ben Stein in Ferris Bueller’s Day off ‘Anyone … Anyone?” - Appropriate excitement when reciting call to worship # FAIL.!
- Your Playlist sucks - Psalm/Hymn selection # FAIL.!
- Uh, now what?? Remembering to say “You may be seated” after hymn # FAIL.!
- I needed filler – inserting the line “and bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies” without thinking – opening prayer # FAIL.!
- What version is He reading from? Announcing the actual reference without inverting the numbers - Scripture Reading # FAIL.!
- X, Y, Z – remembering to check fly before walking to pulpit # FAIL.!
- Don’t quit your day job - Starting off the “Our Father” on the right note # FAIL.!
- Don’t play poker for money … ever - Keeping a straight face while starting off the “Our Father” when Paul Thompson is in attendance # FAIL.!
- Hang in there, puberty was tough for us all – singing first line of “Glory be to God on high” without voice cracking # FAIL.!
- Milli Vanilli you’re not – lip synching words to unfamiliar hymn while leading worship # FAIL.!
- That’s gonna’ leave a mark – Not tripping up the stairs on the way to pulpit # FAIL.!
- If you thought last week’s sermon was good, wait till you hear it a second time – printing the notes for the right sermon # FAIL.!
- And now to paraphrase – Remembering to bring your Bible to the pulpit # FAIL.!
- Oh, that green button – aka – Oh … That’s why the sound booth guy looked so interested in my sermon - turning on lapel mic # FAIL.!
- Wake me up when it’s over - Opening sermon illustration # FAIL.!
- Well, at least it woke them up – Not hitting and knocking over the pulpit mic when making hand gestures during sermon # FAIL.!
- Note to self – call exterminator to kill chirping crickets in basement – sermon joke # FAIL.!
- Next time, I’ll fire off a cannon first to warn you it's coming – covering mic and turning head in time to not sneeze at 140 decibels # FAIL.!
- Just … stay … focused … not being distracted by ringing cell phone during sermon – train of thought # FAIL.!
- Just … stay … focused … not being distracted by screaming baby during sermon – train of thought # FAIL.!
- Just … stay … fo … uh … oh no! That’s my kid crawling under the pews – ordering your own household # FAIL.!
- Just … stay … fo … uh … oh no! That’s my ring tone! Finding reach-through to pocket in clergy robe # FAIL.!
- “All the Single Ladies”? … Really? – Pastor’s ring tone selection #FAIL.!

- Say What? Sermon outline/organization # FAIL.!
- You know, I hadn’t planned on saying this, but … - resisting rabbit trail during sermon & finishing on time #FAIL.!
- So What? Practical application of text # FAIL.!
- Did he just say what I think he said!?!?! “Lot pinched his tits on the planes facing Sodom … er, uh” … - Sermonic Freudian slip – above reproach # FAIL.!
- It’s the playoffs – you’ll have to do better than that if you want to see me next Sunday – sermon relevance # FAIL.!
- If the text had the flu, that sermon would have never caught it- Textual Exposition # FAIL.!
- crash landing; no survivors reported - Sermon Conclusion # FAIL.!
- Don’t care what you preach about, as long as you preach about 40 minutes or less - Sermon length # FAIL.!

- You want an unforgettable sermon illustration on the theology of food?!?! I’ll give you an unforgettable sermon illustration on the theology of food!!! – not throwing up during sermon - *** # WIN!!! ***

- With skills like that, you could play for the Eagles - Not spilling the offering plate # FAIL.!
- The more you try to be Jim Jordan, the more you sound like Ghandi - Eucharist homily # FAIL.!
- Have a pink pair of 5lb dumbbells I can lend you – not having any trouble tearing the communion loaf in half / Manliness # FAIL.!
- Next time, ask for a straw - Not spilling the communion wine all over white robe # FAIL.!
- Don’t eat out much, do you? - Not knocking over wine carafe - coordination # FAIL.!
- We shouldn’t be using these anyway! - Not dropping tray of little wine glasses# FAIL.!
- Yeah – but if the apostle’s had had microscopes … Overcoming germophobia and drinking from the communal cup# FAIL.!
- Can I see some ID? Drinking from communal cup without choking/coughing through nose # FAIL.!
- Remembering the Passing of the Peace – oh yeah, we still do that don’t we? # FAIL.!
- Then why was she wearing a blue onesie?! – getting gender of newborn right on first try during baptism # FAIL.!
- Walking and chewing gum @ same time - Not tripping during the recessional # FAIL.!
- Now I know how that girl felt during the National Anthem - Remembering the words to the benediction# FAIL.!
- Breath like that could singe the tips of your hair – remembering mints for mingling after service #FAIL.!
- I’ve known you for over five years now … we’re like best friends – recollection of parishioner’s name # FAIL.!


wordcoaster said...

Haha, I'd definitely get that App! I think most of us keep mental lists that look a lot like this. I should give my pastor more grace; I wouldn't want his job. Interesting comment # FAIL.!

Benjamin said...

David! So good to hear from yoU! We just drove past lookout mountain on a trip to FL and thought of you. Unfortunately, we were on a tight timetable and couldn't stop.
Man - now that I have a real poet reading my blog I'm going to have to watch myself!
Thanks for commenting - I hope we can catch up some time.